Dear Anayo 3

A friend (from Cameroon) has offered to help with the condition waiver. But I told him it’s too late, because you’ve already made up your mind. I need to move on, not hold on to silly fantasies of the past.

You threw away a good thing, Anayo. You weren’t patient enough to look for other solutions, you only wanted things your way, or no way at all.

If the situation was reversed, and you found it hard to do something for me that I needed help with, even if you refused to help me with getting a visa, I would not have left you over it. In fact, when I realised that you were having trouble helping me with my problems (my insecurities), I took responsibility for them and tried to work through them on my own, and asked you for patience. Relationships take work. I was willing to work. I was willing to negotiate. I was willing to communicate. I was willing to try. So, think about who was selfish.

I wish you hadn’t turned up at my door on Saturday morning. You should have left your keys when you moved out, or left them in the letterbox. I have been doing well. You can see I have a new house mate and I have caught up with a lot of my studies, and my depression and anxiety are being managed with the help of medication and professionals. I’m trying to move on, and that is hard because you never really gave me a good reason why you broke up with me; you had been looking for excuses ever since I came back from Adelaide, and I could do no right in your eyes.

I tried to be the best I could be for you. Maybe it was just my insecurities, and your inability to deal with them, but I never felt like I was good enough for you. I felt as though you were disappointed with me.

But, thank you for all the good times we had. Thank you for showing me how to make Egusi soup. I will make that for myself now. Thank you for helping me to enjoy cooking more. I’ve been making Vindaloo, lamb cutlets with spicy mashed sweet potato and Vegetable Fritatta. Thank you for having high expectations of cleanliness, because I have learned to enjoy having a cleaner house, dishes washed after every meal and my bed made every day. Thank you for cleaning up after my cats, even though you hated it. Thank you for the hugs, kisses and re-assurance you gave to me, at the beginning. Thank you for trying, at the beginning.

I don’t know what happened that made you stop trying. Perhaps the whole time you were trying to be someone you’re not. Perhaps you didn’t love me enough. But that’s okay. You can’t help how much you love someone. I can’t blame you for that. I’m just hurt because I loved you, and you stripped that away when I was at my weakest, just after losing a baby and finishing up with my job. I’m mourning the loss of you, and I’m mourning the loss of the fantasy I had with you; the fantasy of a happy family with beautiful children and a loving husband with loving and sensual sex.

But I’m realising that it was a fantasy, and it was never going to be a reality.

I need to be realistic now. I was just caught up in a fantasy of you. When I’m ready, I will find a man who is more suited to me, or at least someone willing to try harder. I realise that no one is perfect, but there are people more suited than others. I am beautiful and have a lot to offer. I am educated, working towards a highly stable career, am loving and caring, and I have integrity and standards. I’ve also learned a lot from you, and I believe it will make me a better partner in the future, to the right person. But I don’t need a partner to feel whole, I’m a whole person on my own, I have my own goals in life and my own strengths to achieve them. Even if it takes me a little longer to achieve them, I will. Time is a wonderful healer and friend. I am beginning to learn to accept its help.

I wish there were a way I could help you be who I wanted you to be, and that you could help me be who you wanted me to be, but I guess we need to find someone who is already who we want them to be; someone whose imperfections complement our own. As they say, there are plenty of fish in the sea. There are plenty of men willing to do a lot to get to know me, and who like many of the things about me that you didn’t. They love my intelligence, they love my upfront nature, they love my curves, they love my smile, they love my giggle, they love my generous heart, they love my caring nature, they love my insecurities (because they feel like more of a man with the thought that I need them). I know that in time, once I have healed, I will choose the right one.

I don’t know whether I wish you well or not. In some ways I hope you do find the happiness you are seeking, but in other ways, I’m still hurt and would like to think that there are consequences for hurting people the way you did me. The truth is, it doesn’t matter what happens to you; whether you have a happy life or a miserable life. The only thing that matters to me now, is me; that I have a happy life. That is why I’d prefer no contact with you, because knowing how you are doing will only distract me from my own happiness. Maybe one day, once the pain has gone, I’ll feel different. Please at least have that one consideration for my feelings, if you care at all.

Good bye Anayo, please do not contact me.

Fantasy vs. Reality – Confessions

Reality

My boyfriend of 9 months broke up with me. We were living together for 6 months, and he left without giving us a chance to work through the issues.

When he left me, he not only took away the relationship, he also stripped away the fantasy I had built up around him. He was the best lover I had ever had. I fantasised about having beautiful coloured babies with green eyes and gorgeous features. I fantasised about marrying him, including where I would get married and where I would buy the dress. I fantasised about the engagement ring he would buy me. I fantasised about our happy marriage and long life together.

I am now in mourning for the sudden end of my relationship (the bond I had formed with him), and in mourning for the death of my fantasies.

It’s been only two or three weeks really. But what a crazy few weeks it has been! Within a week I had re-activated my old internet dating profile and started chatting and meeting people. It was a method of distraction for me; a way of avoiding feeling lonely and un-lovable.

I found a way to avoid the grief of losing my fantasy.

Fantasy

I have created so many fantasies through the boys I’ve met online. Mostly, I’ve been meeting Nigerian men (my-ex boyfriend was Nigerian), but with various qualities that my ex seemed to lack. Firstly, they were all permanent residents of Australia (no more illegal immigrants for me, thank you very much)! Secondly, they were educated. Thirdly, they were from rich families. They had other qualities too, like a more understanding nature, and a better understanding of Australian culture since they had been here longer.

So, I continued to fantasise of having beautiful coloured babies, of travelling to far away places, of a loving and doting father and of beautiful sensual sex. And that I did. And sex I had. Beautiful, sensual sex, as well as less-beautiful, fun sex.

One incredibly, gorgeously good-looking South African man today offered to pay for my flight to Western Australia (4,000km away) for the weekend beginning 30 July. He said that he felt a real connection between us, that true love would last the distance and that our encounters would be more passionate because of the distance between us. He said that, just because our current circumstances don’t allow us to live in the same state, we never know the future, and our love would sustain us no matter what.

However, the same evening, I was talking to the first man I had met online. Someone I felt a real intellectual and emotional connection with, but after getting interest from other men, moved on to more sensual and good-looking prospects. Tonight, I was telling him how messed up my head is right now and he told me that he likes me just the way I am.

I had also been getting to know an Australian boy, who would not have the same cultural issues that I would have with a Nigerian man, and we had been flirting over the phone all day and talking about meeting before the weekend.

Reality

Reality dawned on me. I was using them. And they didn’t deserve it. Sure, some of them were probably using me too, but some of them were genuine. I know for sure that the first guy I met online is genuine. He has sent my photo to his mum in Nigeria, whom he talks to regularly. And she has said that she likes me.

I’ve never been told by anyone before that I am liked just the way I am, flaws and insecurities and all. My heart skipped a beat. That was followed by a phone call from Western Australia asking if I had mad a decision to fly over to see him.

Sheesh!!! Who would have thought that single life could be so dramatic. I feel like I’m in a movie!

Dear Anayo 2

You know that I am an honest person. I always try to be honest not only to others, but also to myself. I look within myself and question myself, and when I realise I’m wrong, I swallow my pride and stand up and admit it. You know this, you’ve seen it. You’ve seen when I have realised I was wrong, and I have taken the hard option by admitting I was wrong. It is never easy to admit when you’re wrong. It takes strength of character and integrity. It takes a strong person to humble them self by exposing their faults.

I admit that it took me a long time to trust you; I didn’t want to give that last part of my trust until I was sure. But I did that and came to trust you and your love, and that’s why it hurts so much now.

I suffer from depression and anxiety, and I know that it put an enormous pressure on you. But I have been taking responsibility for it, and started to do all I can to get well. You weren’t able to stand by me and support me when I needed you. I took myself to hospital and booked doctor, psychologist and psychiatrist appointments as my first steps to recovery. I admit that I was needy, but I asked for your patience and understanding.

My depression and insecurities are a short-term situation, that I know is hard to live with, but it isn’t going to affect me forever. When I tried to explain that to you, you weren’t willing to believe me, or take the time to research my condition to try to do your best to help me through it. Perhaps you were insecure that I wasn’t willing to do the same for you, but you would have been wrong! I was willing to do what it takes, including trying to apply for a waiver of the condition on your visa, and failing that, follow you back to Nigeria, or travel to China if I needed to. But, since I wasn’t well, I wasn’t able to help you at that time. And you made no attempt to understand what it meant to have depression and anxiety so I would be strong enough to help you.

When I realised that my insecurities were not rational, I tried to assure you that I was taking steps to resolve them. I realised that I did trust you. I trusted you to help me through it and understand it was only temporary. I wanted nothing else but for you to take me in your arms and tell me that it would all be okay, that you love me and we’d get through this hard time together, no matter what it takes.

Because of my separation anxiety, I leant on you too much, unrealistically expecting you to fix me. But, I gave everything I was able to, and was willing to give more once I was well, because I understood that my depression prevented me from giving as much as I felt you deserved. Once I realised that you couldn’t fix me, and that only I could do that, that’s exactly what I began to do. I anticipated that once I was better, I could then support you with your visa issue. That is the moment you decided you weren’t willing to try any more. You just ran away. I blamed myself at first, because I know I’m not perfect, but now I realise that it’s not my fault, because I am willing to own up to my faults and do my best to work on them.

I’m not a fool for trusting you; I’m courageous, because I took a risk and put my heart on the line. It may make me a little more cautious next time, but I’ll do it again, because I’m looking for that deep love with someone willing to do as much for me as I am willing to do for them.

One thing I admire you for is that you recognised before I did that you weren’t able to be the man I deserve. That shows some integrity and strength of character. However, I’m going to tell you some hard truths. And they may make you angry at me, but you will realise, deep down, that they are the truth. And you have a choice, you can stand up, be a man and face life head on, or you can continue to run away when you’re faced with problems in life.

You men seem to think it’s easy to find a woman. I thought you knew better, but you just let a great one slip through your fingers. It’s easy to find boys, but I know it’s not easy to find a man. That’s why I was willing to fight for you.

There’s a popular proverb: “when the going gets tough, the tough get going” (you can look it up here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/When_the_Going_Gets_Tough,_the_Tough_Get_Going). The tough times test, build or expose a man’s true character.

Life isn’t easy, and things don’t always work the way you want. Relationships are not easy, and they require work. Every couple has issues that they consider walking away from. Those who choose to stay find that their relationship is stronger because of it. Your issues are not the biggest in the world, while they are extremely big, people have survived worse situations.

You need to take responsibility for your own actions. You got scared and decided to run away when things got too tough for you. Anayo, life will always throw hardships in your way, and until you learn to face them head on, you will never be happy. I have seen this while living with you for the last 6 months. You are restless and never settled and don’t sleep well. Sure, if you run back to Nigeria you will not have the visa issue, but you will have other issues, which is why you first tried in South Africa, and then Australia to build the life you wanted.

The solution is not to run away, but that is your nature, which I sensed from the time I met you when I asked about your previous relationships. It was also a big factor in why it took me so long to finally trust you. And yes, I did trust you. You can tell yourself over and over that I never did, but it’s a lie. I made myself vulnerable to you.

But, I can’t fix you. I can’t make you be strong. Only you can do that. And since you’re not willing to try, I have to move on.

I didn’t think I was strong enough, but I realise now that I am. And this tough time has shown my true character, as someone with integrity, willing to fight for what I believe is right, and someone who is willing to put my heart on the line, regardless of the risk, when it involves someone I love.

I will bounce back from this. It will take me a long time to get over you. My psychiatrist said it may take me 6 to 12 months to grieve. But I will recover, because I have the strength to do that. I’m not perfect, and I have my insecurities, but one thing I have, that you’ve shown that you don’t have, is the will to fight for what I believe is right!

It’s not fair what you did. You probably didn’t mean to, since your character is a reflection of the culture you came from. But you did wrong me. You did hurt me. And I didn’t deserve it. Australian culture expects men and women in relationships to provide equal emotional support to each other. I know you struggled with that, but I know you tried. However, if you’re not willing to accept this part of our culture by providing support and affection to your woman, than you will be best to find a woman from your own culture, or someone of weaker character.

I understand now that you are simply unable to be the man who I deserve. You love me, but not the way I love you. Your idea of love is different from mine. You made me happy and I’m glad I felt that because I know what it’s like and that I’ll feel it again. But in the end, you haven’t got the strength to work through the tough times.

Just remember that you walked away from this, not me. And for that reason, I deserve better. I deserve someone willing to fight for me, because I am worth it and if you can’t see that, that is your loss. You gave up. You walked away. You are a coward and I deserve more. There are men out there willing to fight; even Nigerian men, such as Michael and Hakeem. They have realised that relationships require compromise, and they have discovered what it means to be with an Australian woman and are willing to do what it takes.

I wasn’t able to be the “woman” that you wanted. I’m stronger than that and deserve someone who loves my strength. I’m a wise person. You wanted to suppress that part of me so you could feel like a man. I’m sorry you’re not secure enough within yourself to feel like a man without dominating someone else. But I recognise that as something deeply rooted in your culture. Your culture is obsessed with dominating others to feel superior. In contrast, I see humility as a superior quality and admire people who can humble themselves to better the world.

You’ve made up your mind and you won’t change it. That is your nature. One thing I simultaneously loved and hated about you. I loved that you were strong and willing to stand by your decisions, but I hated how stubborn you were. Stubbornness is not strength. It means you are unwilling to listen to reason and admit error, and that is a weakness. I believed you were stronger than that. I’m sorry I was wrong. I wanted you to be the man who I thought you were. But you’ve shown your true character as someone who puts their head before their heart. You “think” about things and make decisions that over-ride your feelings. So, that even though you love me, you will make a decision that is contrary to your feelings and never back down, no matter who is hurt as a consequence; no matter how much you saw me cry. I believe you love me, but not enough to put the needs of our relationship above your own.

If you’re angry at what I’m saying, then be angry, because deep down you know it’s true. But don’t be angry at me, because you were the one in control of this situation. And it turns out that you aren’t the man I thought you were. I’m not willing to compromise my integrity, my strength and my love for a love that isn’t equal. I’m no longer scared of accidentally offending you. I can be the complete woman I am without being scared of hurting your fragile ego or committing some unknowable, sexist Nigerian taboo.

YOU ran away, whether it was for your pride or your fear or both, it was your choice and you will have to live with that shame. You will live with that shame whether you stay in Australia or go back to Nigeria or try your luck in another country. You will never better your situation by continually running away. And you will always feel that shame.

I guess, in the end, it comes down to our different understanding of love. And you came to realise that, although you do love me, you aren’t willing to love me the way I want. Maybe you will find someone you truly love one day; someone who you would do anything for; someone you would die for. I hope that someday you will. I know I’m worthy of more love than you’re able to give me.

Thank you for the wake-up call I needed. I will learn to stand on my own two feet again; even if it takes me a long time to do that. But, I will grow from this experience and will be a better teacher, wife and mother because of it.

Sincerely,

Angie.

 

Living in a Grateful World

Be grateful to those who have hurt or harmed you, for they have enforced your determination.

Be grateful to those who have deceived you, for they have deepened your insight.

Be grateful to those who have hit you, for they have reduced your karmic obstacles.

Be grateful to those who have abandoned you, for they have taught you to be independent.

Be grateful to those who have made you stumble, for they have strengthened your ability.

Be grateful to those who have denounced you, for they have increased your wisdom and concentration.

Be grateful to those who have made you firm and resolute and helped in your achievement.

From Ven. Master Chin Kung

Dear Anayo 1

I fell in love with a man with integrity and commitment. Someone who was willing to work through things, and change, if that was required, without compromising his values.

I’m willing to admit my faults and work on them. And I admit that after I lost our baby, I didn’t cope well. I’m sorry I was difficult.

I’m not perfect, but I’m a good person. I know you love me, so let’s work for the great times we’ve had and the future we were both looking forward to.

I have insecurities, that’s part of my baggage, I’m working on them, as you know. But changes like that don’t happen over night. I accept you with your baggage. You still have a choice to accept me with mine.

Relationships, and life, are hard work, and life will always throw hardships in our way. The test of our character is how we respond to them. The question is, do we do everything it takes, including taking a risk that we will be hurt again (which is what I’m doing here)? Or do we walk away and risk coming up with the same problems in the future with an inability to deal with it the second, and third time life gets tough.

I trust you, and I wouldn’t sign a 24 month contract for your phone if I didn’t. I trust you, trust that. Don’t listen to your insecurities. There’s no shame in changing your mind for something worth fighting for!

Rant

Fuck the world

My life sucks right now. I feel like shit. I’m sick of feeling like this. I feel like a failure, like I’m a weak person. I’m suffering from depression. But, I’ve been receiving so many mixed messages about depression lately.

I wonder if it is just that I am a weak person. I’m lazy and will do everything but what I should be doing. I will go on the internet to research for an assignment, but spend the next few hours procrastinating, reading facebook news feeds and watching interesting videos.

Maybe depression is just an excuse for how shit my life is right now.

I have no energy. I’m sure that’s a big reason why I’m over weight. And I find it so hard to do my normal tasks, such as housework, and study.

I’m even too weak to kill myself. I’ve thought about it, but really don’t have the guts to go through with it. But then again, I would rather be well than to end my life altogether. I want my life to be good. I took myself to the hospital emergency section and admitted myself into the emergency psychiatric ward. There were two girls there that had attempted suicide, so I just felt like a whinger with no real problems; an attention seeker.

I’m so stressed. I’m behind at university, and while I’ve received extensions for my assignments, I don’t know how I’m going to do them. I feel so hopeless.

While my relationship with my partner has been mostly good, there are so many stresses there. We have constant misunderstandings. He is from Nigeria, so we both have different cultural expectations and understandings. Most of our fights are over misunderstandings. I found out, about a month after starting to date him that he has over-stayed his visa and is here illegally. When I found out, I was really angry. We met online, and I had asked quite specifically about his visa before even meeting him so I could avoid possibly being used as a ticket into Australia. But, of course, now that I am in love, I don’t want to walk away.

We’ve been living together for the past 4 months, and we’ve talked about marriage and children. He’s 33, and ready to settle down. Many of his friends are married and having children. He also explained to me that in his culture he is expected to marry before his younger brother, who has told him that he wants to marry. But despite all these reasons, I can’t help but think that he only wants to marry me so he can stay in Australia. I don’t WANT that insecurity. I’m already insecure enough! No matter what he does or says, no matter how genuine he is, that insecurity is there. I want to believe that I’m intelligent enough to pick a fraud. I’ve been married before and in another (semi) long-term relationship after that. After my last relationship, I wanted to be very careful to fall in love with the right person; someone who I was compatible with. So, I believe that I was careful with my heart…. but I still wonder.

What makes matters worse is that if we are to apply for a partner visa, the immigration office will start with the assumption that he is not genuine about the relationship, since he has been asked to leave Australia, and has not. That is what I was told by an immigration lawyer who is going to help with his application. My gawd! I don’t need that! I just want to be loved. Why do they have to stir up my insecurities even more?

Fuck the world right now. Maybe I’ll just forget about my studies, sell all my stuff and move to Nigeria.

Trust and love

I’m not sure if I trust the whole concept of love.

I guess, for me, losing my faith in God also shook my faith in love. I know I feel love and I am in-love, but what I’m not sure about; what I’m so afraid of, is that I’m not sure that love really lasts.

I even struggle to trust maternal or paternal love. Is that weird?

I’ve just seen too many betrayals and not enough success stories, I guess. My parents are divorced (twice each). I’m finalising my divorce. The only long-term married couple I know is my Grandparents, and from what my father has told me much of their marriage hasn’t been very happy.

So am I wrong? Please tell me I’m wrong. I want to be able to trust it. I want love to be as powerful as people say it is, and I want it to last.

Judgemental people

I’m sick of being judged.

Before I married my ex-husband, people were saying to me that I was too young or to make sure etc. But I don’t regret marrying him. Sure, it didn’t work out in the long run, but I’m okay with it. That doesn’t stop people from thinking to themselves, “I told you so”. People say I moved too fast in my last relationship. Yes I did. But I’ve learned from it, and it hasn’t taken my life.

My house-mate told me today that he thinks I “need” to be in a relationship, and that it’s not a good thing. Well, he may be right. But so what? Why is it his business, and why does he feel the need to point it out to me? Does it help me in any way? What does he expect me to do, dump my boyfriend?

I’m a very reflective person. I have so many stupid doubts running through my head every day. I’m trying to find better ways to deal with those thoughts (I’m reading “The Happiness Trap” and would recommend it to everyone). I struggle with self-esteem and have silly thoughts like, “I’m not worth loving”, “why would anyone really love me?” and such. The last thing I need is someone saying to me that I need to do this, and I shouldn’t do that. That just causes more stupid thoughts. And it doesn’t help me deal with my current relationship in a healthy way at all. I want helpful advice, not just criticism.

*Meh* I’m just angry today (if you can’t tell). I’m angry at my ex-boyfriend, since I’m struggling to trust again. I’m angry at my house-mate, because he’s always right. I really feel that he doesn’t have a high opinion of me and my ability to make rational decisions, and his advice is always condescending and critical. And I’m angry at myself for caring what other people think of me so much.

I want to learn to just live my life, I’m not stupid; I’m mature enough to make my own mistakes now, so please, let me make them. I’m an adult and I know when I’m taking a risk, STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO!!

I sound like such a rebellious teenager *giggles*

I don’t want to blame anyone any more. It’s time to stop giving other people so much influence over me. They’re not even important people to me.